Sunday, November 7, 2010

Joy.


We are 7 days into November! AHHHH!!! The most wonderful time of the year is here and if you see me during the next two months and I am even more giddy, and cheesy, and weird... just go with it. The Christmas music has already begun. So anyway heres a little look at my October...


The beginning of my month looked like this..... school.... younglife... school... younglife... school... younglife... yeah you get it... and then it was midterms... which I stressed a lot more for than I needed to... oh yeah and I got 100 percent on two of my tests and one of my presentations, take that college! The weekend after midterm week I took a much needed vacation to California with some of my favorite people.

We went to downtown disney and took pictures outside of california adventure but did not go inside. Ive never been that close to my favorite place in the world without actually going there. I almost cried.


Then we went to Universal Studios Horror Nights. I havent been to Universal Studios since I was like 5 so it was pretty fun. The mazes were pretty scary although the boys were waaaaay more scared then the girls. hahaha
Then it was Monday night and time to spend it the way I have for the last 7 years. Oh, YoungLife :)

One Friday, the GCU YL ambassadors and some of the student staff from around the state had our monthly meeting and this month it was held at the prayer garden in Scottsdale. It was such a blessing! Probably the highlight of my month. I have never ever in my life interacted with a real life sister, or nun or whatever you want to call them. And I never in my life thought that my first interaction would include laughs, hugs, singing, waving Jesus flags in the air, tears, joy... so much joy and a heart of mine so full of awe and thanks. They were so adorable. My favorite was this little German lady with a thick accent that had to be at least 70. I could listen to her talk about God all day. They kept telling us crazy college kids how proud and thankful they were for us and all we do with YoungLife. Proud of us? Thankful for us? These ladies are crazy in love with Jesus, they have dedicated their lives to him in ways that I couldnt even imagine. While sitting there singing with them and then getting to walk around the garden after I was so overwhelmed with emotions. It is still crazy to think this is my life. That at 21 my Friday afternoon is spent with nuns singing and laughing and not getting ready to go out to some club or party. I just look at who I was and who I am and know that Jesus is in love with me. I am so in love with my creator it is ridiculous but it is his affection towards me that has brought me to where I am. :)
Saturday the 30th was YoungLife's all Arizona 55 year celebration fundraising banquet. As I worked registration, sat with table guests, saw Jerry Colangelo (!!!!), and the President of YoungLife, Denny Rydberg (!!!), listened to JJ Heller sing, and stood on stage with the rest of the GCU YL ambassadors I had another "how is this my life?!" moment. Jesus is so real guys... and when you let him, he takes your life and turns it into the complete opposite of what your little high school self thought it was gonna look like. YoungLife, the ministry that has my heart (and all of my time) has been in Arizona for over 55 years! I had no idea just how big YoungLife was when I was forced to go to my first YoungLife club when I was 15. The opening ceremony for the banquet was so epic! haha I was in tears like a little nerd. They had a kid from each YoungLIfe, Wyldlife, YoungLives, Capernaum, and Collegelife club in Arizona represent their club. They all walked in with flags as the names of school flashed on the screen. Something that also just blew me away and reminded me again why I love this ministry so much was at the very beginning of the night while people were still registering. If you have never been to a YoungLife camp when kids first arrive they are greeted by the work crew cheering their little hearts out and giving away smiles and high fives like their life depended on it. Thats how heaven is going to look like when we arrive. All the angels hollering their heads off at our presence. so beautiful :) Anyway, that is how we greet crazy teenagers... but YoungLife is "so YoungLife"...so how do we greet old professional possible donors? In the same way having those crazy high schoolers form a tunnel and cheer, of course. :) Also, all of the GCU YL ambassadors are quickly becoming hands down my favorite people. Some of them ive known for years and some of them I am just getting to know. But we get to be guinea pigs of what is becoming a beautiful relationship between Grand Canyon University and YoungLife together, we get to be each others safe zone and accountability. We get to grow together. We get to worship God together. And we get to do it all while wearing spiffy purple polos. :)
Yay, Halloween!


Oh my gosh, I just love my friends!

Oh and I love the leadership team in the Southwest Valley. Every single one of them. The leaders, the new leaders, the junior leaders, the area director who was once my high school theater teacher/ reason I believe in Christ, the committee, the kids we build relationships with. So great! Oh and I especially like Edi for bringing some kind of snack to every single one of our meetings. :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

rain.

Last Tuesday I was in the biggest rain and hail storm ever which is not much considering I grew up in Arizona but still... it was intense. Baseball sized hail had destroyed cars, broke windows in the apartments and dorms at my school, took down trees, made all the fire alarms go off, and made my poor little campus look like a war zone. But when I woke up Wednesday and the rain was gone, I got really really sad. I would take my car all dented up over sun any day. Anyway I had to write about something that makes me happy in one of my classes. This is a little excerpt from it...

"Growing up in Arizona, you don't see much rain. When it does rain here, it is an event. I have always loved the rain more than anyone really should. We use sunshine and warm weather to represent happiness and rainy weather and clouds to represent sadness and gloominess. For me it has always been the opposite. On overcast days my heart has a big cheesy smile and I feel more alive than usual. Add rain and wind and my heart is literally dancing around in my chest. Some of my favorite memories were just ordinary days accompanied by rain. I think of dancing in the street with my sister, playing mud football with some friends, staying in the house all cuddled up in sweatpants and a cup of coffee watching chick flicks or reading a good book, driving to a bible study listening to Matt Wertz and drinking a peppermint mocha, and yes, even trying not to die as I run to class after the most ridiculous hail storm I had ever seen. I cannot explain the surge of happiness and sense of living I feel when it's raining. I have never felt closer to God then I do when I am standing in the rain taking it all in. Conclusion: I need to move to Seattle."


Dear rain, come back now pleeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssseeeeeeee...

Monday, October 4, 2010

nothing and everything to say.

God is crazy. I mean we are made in the image of God and every person that I have ever, ever, ever met has been crazy. Myself included. Plus I cant stand junior high kids and God knows this and pretty soon my world is gonna revolve around them and I have God to thank/blame for this. Crazy. But more on that later...

I feel like I am too busy. That there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. But if you look at my usual weekly schedule it almost looks like I do nothing with my life.

But back to God being crazy. A few months ago he said this to me "wyldlife" to which I said "ew no!"

And then three weeks ago he said it again. This time I wasnt such a brat. But in the back of my mind I just laughed and thought nothing of it. Im way too comfortable in younglife. I love high schoolers, I get them, and they are just the right amount of immature and childish without being... well... junior high kids.

And then it was friday and I was leaving to Lost Canyon for the weekend for a leadership retreat. And it was an amazing weekend where I got to sing my heart out and escape from school work and hear the wise words of the first ever suns gorilla. And then it was Saturday morning and I was praying and God told me to "lead leaders" wtf? what does that even mean. But I was just happy that the wyldlife talk took a backseat. Then I go to the tall one's (Scott Didricksons) seminar on discipleship which I kind of regret cause Scott always has a way of calling me out on my b.s. without realizing it. (Which I am so thankful for by the way). Flash forward to that afternoon and Im having a conversation outside of the whistle stop with my area director, Cory and he tells me "Youre head leading our new wyldlife club." And instead of being a brat like I had been to God I just said ok. Cause everything God had been telling me was all starting to make sense, and I guess junior highers cant be thaaaaat bad... and even if they are, the leadership team I get the privlidge of "head leading" are some of the most amazing people in the history of the world.

Oh and then I got back from that weekend and went to Younglife club that monday where Jesus showed us again just how amazing he is...



140 plus kids at Younglife??? SO AMAZING.

I really can't express how thankful I am for this ministry.

Anyway, I was reading Donald Millers blog, which I do often. I literally read the same entries ive read 213512 times already and still get blessed by them. You should check it out http://donmilleris.com/ And I was reading an entry about humility and this one got me thinking...


"I am not a humble person. I’m proud of my accomplishments. I drop names when I’m feeling insecure. I also talk about the cool projects I’m working on when I want to impress somebody. If you’ve known me for long, you’ve probably heard me do it. Sorry about that.

But the truth is, I don’t really want to be a humble person. It’s not a goal of mine. I don’t think about it, and I have a lot more emotional stability because I don’t think about it. If I get too arrogant somebody will humble me. When you write a blog you get criticism every hour on the hour, and that certainly helps.

Truly humble people don’t get called humble very often. In fact, if you are consistently spoken of as humble, you might want to reflect on whether or not you are trying to project a humble identity, which is just another form of narcissism. People who are humble are too busy thinking about a project they are working on, or their family, or their friends. Their mind isn’t on their humility or their lack of humility; their mind is on something other than themselves. In doing so, they help other people focus on something other than themselves, too. And that’s true freedom. We live in a fallen world, so you and I are only going to accomplish this in shades. I’m not humble, but I don’t sit around and condemn myself for it either, which is yet another form of narcissism. I’m pretty awesome that way. I also once met Harry Connick Jr and his girlfriend thought I had nice hair. Try being humble when that sort of thing has happened to you. It’s freaking impossible."


pretty good stuff. I want to marry Donald Miller.... or at least marry someone with all his genius thoughts. well... I was gonna reflect on this humility stuff but Im tired and I want to catch up on Greys Anatomy before I go to sleep. Goodnight...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

priorities people, priorities.

I'm not good at prioritizing. Its a grown up thing and im a 21 year old who acts like shes 9. Prioritizing sucks cause it usually means passing up time with friends for homework. But today I realized that sometimes the priority isn't always the boring thing. Like this morning I could have really been writing a paper but instead I decided to spend two hours with God and a journal. And guess what? I think time with God is more important than a paper any day. And right now I should be sleeping or doing home work but I decided to write a blog post. Which some of you might think is just my way of trying to rationalize the fact that I am the biggest procrastinator in the history of the world but whatever. Writing on my blog lets me put my thoughts into words and helps me hear Gods voice in my life. And I pray that I never ever get to the point where I think that a silly little assignment is more important than the creator of the universe. Moving on...

Jesus, why are you so good to me? Tonight was our first YoungLife club of the semester and I almost want to cry tears of joy thinking about how amazing it was. So much energy, so many new faces, so much fist pumping... so incredible.

And the very best part of my night... watching the best junior leaders in the entire universe selflessly serve their peers. They fell in love with Jesus and now they want the same for their friends and they are just the cutest little things in the world handing out club cards, and picking up trash, and carrying a kiddie pool off the stage.

I am so blessed.:)

There are a million little things in my life right now that could play out in a million different ways and sometimes I go crazy trying to figure it all out. But my life is in his hands and he is in charge of those million little things and I JUST KNOW that he has amazing things in store for me.

aaaaaaaaannndddd yes i have classes ALL DAY tomorrow but if I can just get through this week its off to lost canyon for spouse quest... er... i mean leadership weekend 2010! yay!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

where i should be.

I dont know how to live in the present. I hate that. My mind is constantly thinking of next week, month, year. I dont know how to be happy with where im at either. If it were my dream to live in Greece I would get there and day dream about living in Paris. So dumb of me. Ive never felt like where I am is where I am supposed to be.

Its like that scene in Garden state where he says "Its like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist."

Or that scene in Breakfast at Tiffanys where she says "I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I don't know where that is but I know what its like." thats me. I get that. I have felt it in my heart, I know this place exists but I have no idea where it is. Maybe its not a place. Maybe its people im looking for, a person, maybe its my husband, maybe its heaven. Maybe its the person I was meant to be and the more I grow, the more I become that person that God has made me and less of that person the world has made me, the more I feel that feeling of home and contentment. All I know is it makes being happy with where I am at tremendously hard.

Tonight something clicked in me and Jesus told me "right now, where you are, this is where you are supposed to be." Every single thing in my life, where I am living, where I am going to school, where I am leading YoungLife, every single detail of my life is exactly how God wants it right now.

I always ask God to write my life story instead of me since I suck at it so much, but ive always held on to it so tightly and not really gave him room to do so. In order for him to do that I need to let go. I think my first step is complacency with where I am at. Complacency is a weird thing though. I want to be happy with where I am at but I dont ever want to get comfortable with it. He doesnt call us to be comfortable. One of those weird paradox's ive yet to figure out.

Point is I am where I should be. I feel it. Maybe that will look different next year or in five years who knows.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

new years resolutions minus the new years part.

i just wanna start with saying that i wish i was good at this whole blogging thing. im not, i accept it. i just wish i was. i wish i updated it more and that it was an accurate representation of my life at the time. i talk to much about thoughts and ideas and forget to talk about everything else. but whatever... moving on...


anyway... i move in august so ive been cleaning out my stuff... its amazing how much clutter and pointless things i have. i.e. clothes i never plan on wearing again, notes from like 8th grade, 3 year old magazines. and with that comes cleaning out my heart, mind, life. so i have a bunch of resolutions because i really need to make things into list form in order for me to attempt them, and i never make resolutions at the beginning of the year like everyone else, and there is no other reason.


so my mid-year resolutions are...

-to start taking school seriously. college is important and i need to stop treating it like its high school. i feel like having a fresh start at a new school next semester will help me with this. and living on campus might help a little too.
-live for jesus not for christianity. this isnt a new resolution, just one that i need to constantly remind myself of. ive got sucked into the typical american christian life before and i never EVER want it to happen again.
-and with that being said.... not be such a hypocrite. i picked up a book today at barnes & noble and didnt buy it which im regretting. its called The Christian Atheist: Believing In God But Living As If He Doesn't Exist By Craig Groeschel. The description on the back alone had me hooked and kinda kicked me in the stomach a little but at the same time hugged me. so i need to live what i believe and believe what i live... and i need to read that book asap.
-read more. spend less time using technology.
-be a better friend. i feel like ive kinda been sucking as a friend lately. not to brag... ok ill brag a little bit... i used to be a pretty legit friend. and lately i havent. not that i stopped caring for my friends. i still love each and everyone of them to the moon and back and probably to the moon again. but i used to be the friend that made it a priority to spend time with my friends, a priority to call them, to pray for and with them, to buy them things just because it reminded me of them and well... im not that person anymore and i want to get back to that.
so kaitlin... im sorry that i cant even remember the last time i called you.
britney... sorry i havent been a very good maid of honor... i realize your wedding is 9 months away but i feel like i havent been doing enough to support you.
lakin... sorry i havent made it a priority to find time to hang out.
katelyn and missy... sorry i havent made it a priority to hang out with you two either.
christina... sorry i havent sent you a super niffty lost canyon care package.

and to all my other friends... sorry i havent been the super amazing friend that i so want to be. call me out on it, please, cause i want to be the bestest friend i can be to all of the people that i care about oh so much.

-be a better yl leader. not so i can get a pat on the back or so i can fill my facebook with pictures of darling little high school kids. but so i can truly be a representation of his kingdom and that i can lead broken souls to the foot of the cross.

so to my beautiful younglife girls... im sorry i havent been spending as much time with you as i should, sorry i havent been stretching and challenging you in your faith, sorry i havent been the ear to listen when you need to talk. i havent seen alot of you since camp and that is just not acceptable. some of you made brave, life changing decisions this past year and this past summer and i couldnt be more proud. i cant wait to walk alongside you in your new life this next year and for the rest of eternity.

-GET ORGANIZED.... and then STAY organized.

-do more things i enjoy. hike, blow bubbles just because, jump in the pool fully clothed, have spontaneous dance parties, write, watch disney movies.
-spend time with my family.
-spend less money on things that dont matter. (clothes, magazines)
-take more pictures.
-be more transparent. let people in. open up more.
-start living like i believe God has a better plan for me than i do instead of just saying it.


and lastly, if i suck at all these things, not hating myself for it.







Thursday, June 10, 2010

thoughts and blurbs.


Sorry in advance... this post is kind of going to be everywhere, cause thats where my mind is right now.

Its funny at this point in my life with as much as I know and have seen, that I still dont get it. This life thing, I dont understand it. And im like... a complete idiot, really. Like I understand things without actually applying them to my life. Like God has shown me time and time again that he knows better than me. He's shown me that he has a life planned out for me that is so amazing and purposeful and I can live that life if I would just move the eff out of the way and let him work. I dont want to be in charge of my life cause I mean really, who in their right mind would want me to be in charge of their life. But as many times as I ask him to take the lead, I constantly find myself trying to figure it out on my own. Im daily trying to plan out my next week, month, year, life. I dont want the life I planned out for myself. Its way too cliche, way too predictable and not at all exciting and I wish I would just realize that and let God do his thang. Moving on.....

Last week God gave me another opportunity to go to camp with smiling little angels disguised as loud, potty mouth, hilarious teenagers and watch hearts be transformed. I am really truly blessed and I dont say it enough. Waking up waaaaaay too early by the sound of blow dryers and doors, way too much food, way too many inside jokes, burnt dinosaur looking shoulders, fooseball, singing at the top of my lungs, cowboys, saving america from a canadian invasion, pie in the face, shaving cream in the ear, jumping in the pool fully clothed, watching blob contests, walking on ropes across trees, christmas in june, and all to finally see beautiful hearts return home to their father... yep... its all worth it... I still dont understand why God lets me be a part of it.

Yeah they are part time bible models. Gosh I love them!



I also met JJ Heller this week! And as much as I tried to act cool and nonchalant I was secretly a little fan girl. Her music has gotten me through the roughest, most broken times of my life. I am soooooo incredibly grateful for her and her husband and all the beautiful songs they have created.

I get to go back to Lost Canyon with another group of kids saturday and I am so excited. Thank you God for choosing me to be one of your warriors.

I want to wrap myself up in a book. Its been a while since Ive dropped everything and read.

Speaking of dropping everything and reading... me and my best friend and our mamas were chatting today and we remembered back to 4th grade when we would have D.E.A.R. days (drop everything and read days) where we could bring a pillow and blanket and some snacks and books to school and just sit around and read all day. Most kids would just bring like 2 or 3 books and call it a day. But me and Stephanie would literally bring our whole book shelf. Anyway one day after D.E.A.R. day we had our tons of books and it was raining outside and her mom forgot to pick us up! hahaha. She was crying and I kept telling her to shutup and it was pretty hilarious. I dont know why I just shared that story... told you my mind is all over the place right now.

Also... if super nintendo playing was a profession I would do that for the rest of my life.



Wednesday, May 26, 2010

hairspray and antelopes.



this hairspray....


makes me push my hair in front of my face a million times a day because it just smells so dang good!


But in other (more important) news... I got accepted to Grand Canyon University! Yay so excited.... Im officially an antelope. haha. After barely graduating high school because I was a reckless teenager who "just didnt care", one very pitiful year of community college right out of high school where school was less like my last priority and more like not a priority at all, and two years (4 semesters) of breaks where I told my self I would go back next semester, im FINALLY going back to school.

Oh and shout out to Lakin Mason who gave me this blast from the past today...


haha junior year of high school, my how things have changed...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

my dearest blog,

sorry ive abandoned you. i really like sharing my life and thoughts with you, i really do. ive just had nothing to write about lately... thats a lie... i think ive had too much to write about.

but guess what??? ive been praying about something that will affect what the next couple years of my life look like no matter what i decide about said something. i really dont mean to be cryptic and vague... ill right more about this later.

on that note ive officially got back into the routine of praying over ever detail of my life and giving everything to God... cause i usually really suck at that. i wrote this yesterday...

Dear Jesus,
Sometimes the world whispers lies in my ear and I listen. I listen and listen and listen and then I begin to doubt you. I begin to doubt your will for my life and the love you have for me. Do you really know what's best for me, do you really care? Why should I put my trust in you? And then if just for a second, the world stops and the lies grow quieter and quieter until you hush them completely. And then I hear you. Your love is so loud. The sound of your voice stops all of my doubts, all of my insecurities and once again I say "sorry God, I believe you this time, please for the 697823516235469th time take my life, I surrender.... again. I promise this will be the last time" and you just smile down at your broken mess of a daughter, because you know this won't be the last time. You know that I will believe the lies of this world again. Because I am so weak but you are so strong and thank Jesus(you) that I gave you my life 6 years ago on a freezing december night under the stars of a beautiful northern arizona sky that you created because its ok that im weak. Its ok cause youve got this... this whole life thing. So why would I ever doubt you??? NO IDEA and im sorry for that by the way. Also sorry this is all over the place, I dont know what im trying to say... but you do so thanks for that too. I love you.... More than I can comprehend.



Monday, April 12, 2010

can i just say something...

Can we just love like were freaking called to do with no hidden agendas for once...

Like can we just have love and compassion for ALL people instead of just saying we do.

ALL PEOPLE
regardless of religion, race, country, political beliefs, life style blah blah blah blah blah...

Im so sick of people saying they do just to live up to some image or trend.

When will people stop and realize that the pharisees they read about in their bibles... the religious leaders that Jesus punked all the time... are just like them.

Todays pharisees dont even realize they are todays pharisees cause they are less focused on their relationship with their creator and more focused on every one elses relationship God.

aigh;oqifhboqe;rhgeijogr

just had to vent...

Soon I will write about whats up in my life instead of just thoughts and feelings.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i just want a small part in your passion play.

william fitzsimmons - passion play.

I should not have hid
where my heart can't follow
cause this grace gets so far
and too hard to swallow
i've been running from Saul,
he's been giving chase
when i look in his eyes
all i see is my face

are you still on my back
after all these years?
chasing my out of hell
and my nice veeners
i don't know how you stand
when you've got no floor
or how you can breathe
with your hands on boards

i just want to be not what i am today
i just want to be better than my friends might say
i just want a small part in your passion play

do you hear when i call
in the midst of wrong?
do you hear these here words
while i sing this song?
are you caught up in me
like i heard you say?
or just some big cashier
that i'll have to pay


shakes me up inside every time.

good morning, lets do this wednesday.

also... happy birthday dad. :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

March madness.

I love winter... its my favorite. I love the clothes and the weather and the peppermint coffee. However, this year I am ready for spring and summer, really excited actually. Even though in Phoenix we don't really have a spring. We kinda just go straight to summer and 100 degree weather. But we still get the idea of spring. The idea of sunshine and adventures and the feeling of running through fields of flowers. Anyway, point is i don't have a point but I am so excited for these next few months. Especially this month and here is just a couple of reasons why:





Friday night is all Arizona YoungLife club. I look forward to this every year. The first one I went to was when I was still a club kid. This year is also a tail gate bbq before and a Brandon Heath concert after.

On the 13th this girl.....
will be in town. I can't wait cause i miss this slut (loving term between us, I promise). Freaking Alabama taking her away from me. And us bridesmaids are gonna throw her the sickest bridal shower there ever was.

Then that night at midnight we are going out for my best friend in the whole wide worlds 21st birthday...
It is definitely going to be a fun night/week/month/year/life. We have waited to be 21 together since the day we realized we were best friend soul mates.
Why are we best friends you ask? Well we have been making a list of reasons why since we have been friends and we are probably somewhere around reason number 21875629385 at this point... here's reason number 78... we both feel this way about the morning time.....

britney isn't the only one with a March birthday. Shout out to: my cousin Tara, my tata, my nana, my daddy, Melissa, and My tio just to name a few.




The thing I'm most excited about this month is definitely my first ever VEGAS experience. The closest I have ever been to Vegas was when my dad went for a business trip when I was 5 and brought me back a shirt from the circus there.

Were staying at New York, New York.



"Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.."
"What?!"
"You heard me... its sin city" :)


And then possibly ending up here for a women's retreat to end this beeyouteeful month...



Anyway, this is what my life looks like lately:





(they're so presh, haha)
(its sad, really, how obsessed with this show i am. its the only show i cant miss an episode of. Ive seen every episode of all 6 seasons. and two weeks ago when my dad was getting his surgery and i spent hours at the hospital i felt so smart because i knew so much about hospitals haha. my tio kept trying to explain all the machines and doctor talk going on around us and i said at least 10 times "i know... i watch greys anatomy" haha)


(hiking is my new obsession, especially on gloomy days)

(my little yl angels... :))







That's all for now kids.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

fruity pebbles and a cant stop smiling kind of face.


I haven't posted anything new on my blog in about a month or so and I've been wanting to but lately I feel like I have nothing to say. Me... the girl who cant shut up... ever... the girl who is constantly trying to explain to people all the thoughts and butterflies and funny things going on in her head... I have nothing to say. Maybe its because I haven't been reading anything new lately, because when I read alot, I tend to want to write alot. Maybe because my new obsession for hiking and crafting and bike riding is taking up all my time. Maybe because I haven't been taking the time to grow spiritually. Yeah... i think that's the one (ouch, kick in the stomach)

Well I still don't really have anything to say but I'm just going to ramble for a bit cause I'm tired, but restless and its 2 in the morning and rambling usually helps my restlessness.

I am eating cereal for the first time in I don't even know how long and its fruity pebbles which was my favorite when I was 5 and I just got the strangest flash back. Not the normal flash back, but the flash back that makes you believe you are there again, or like all of your life after that time you are flashing back to doesn't really exist and it was all a dream and now you are back in real life.... weird. Anyway the flash back consisted of me being 5 again and sitting at the table in my nana's kitchen eating cereal and reading the back of the cereal box.
So uh... 2010 is already flying by and I want to tell it to stop because its going so fast and I want to enjoy it. But somewhere between the beginning of the year and now I turned 21 and that was cool. Except from now on all my birthdays are just another year... nothing special. And I no longer have an excuse to act like I'm 12... but I'm sure that wont stop me.

Things I'm excited about lately....

- going to Vegas in March for Britney's birthday.
-reading dear, John (I really want to see this movie but I wanted to read the book first and then surprise surprise my little sister from another mister got it for me for muh burfday.)
- YoungLife and the fact that at tonight's club we had 70+ high school kids.
-new episodes of Greys Anatomy
-all the craft projects I have in mind to transform my room on a 0 dollar budget.
-hiking, hiking, and hiking some more.
-Jojo coming to town for her wedding shower.
-and oh so much more.

But back to YoungLife... tonight while looking around at all those crazy little faces, I was overwhelmed with joy. Thinking back to when I was in their shoes and the paradox of being a hopeless high school kid yet somehow going to YoungLife and smiling and belly laughing and throwing cheese puffs at someone with their face covered in shaving cream and being cared for by leaders and asked about my day and even though I had so much to go through before I finally understood, I was given a glimpse of hope. Andre spoke tonight at the end of club and something that really stood out to me in his talk was the thought of us hiding from God. We always hear about people "finding God" but he is not the one hiding.... we are. Mostly because we are scared. What will happen when God finds me? Will I be punished? Will my life have to drastically change? And I just remember being 16 and having my fear slowly chipped away as I sat in club and watched people build spam snowmen, and laughed at my leaders while they made fools of themselves.

Right now I'm sitting in my (freezing) room and listening to the Hope for Haiti cd... these lyrics from the song Breathless just brought me to tears....

"When you feel the world is crashing all around your feet,
come running headlong into my arms,
breathless
I'll never judge you.
I can only love you.
Come now running headlong,
into my arms,
breathless."

When I looked at those beautiful faces at club tonight I couldn't help but smile. When I was in their shoes, I felt such a comfort and peace at club. I didn't know why. I thought it was because I enjoyed ridiculous games and belly laughing and leaders who cared for me, and while that's part of it... its actually because God was already speaking to my heart... "I'll never judge you, I can only love you." Beautiful. Goodnight.

Also... I want to learn how to knit.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Haiti and feeling really really small.

Some days I wake up feeling like I can change the world. I feel as though nothing and no one could stop me and there is enough love in my heart to reach across every part of this world. Other days I wake up feeling so small, helpless and insignificant. Today is one of those days. 
What is happening in Haiti is truly breaking my heart and at the same time I cant even imagine what these people are going through. I am sitting here in my living room drinking a cup of coffee, typing on my laptop and I know that my family and friends are all safe. I tried watching CNN earlier and I had to change the channel. I just couldn't take it. But there are people actually living this nightmare right now, not just sitting and watching it on their tv screens.
I realized that it is days like these when my change the world, love filled heart needs to work over time. I shouldn't feel insignificant because there is something I can do. I may not be able to donate millions or fly to Haiti and be a shoulder to cry on. But I can donate the 20 dollars I was planning to spend on these shoes I saw at target the other day, I can pray and pray and pray for those beautiful souls and love them without knowing their names. I urge you to do the same.


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate if you can. Spare yourself 2 trips to Starbucks and give $10.
www.redcross.org


Psalm 9:9
The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

a day wasted, except not.

My entire day was just devoted to listening to this on audiobook a trillion times. A day wasted?.... nope.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

it wasn't easy, but it was love.

"He could have come back when crosses were out of style. But his heart wouldn't let him. If there was hesitation on the part of his humanity, it was overcome by the compassion of his divinity. His divinity heard the voices. His divinity heard the hopeless cries of the poor, the bitter accusations of the abandoned, the dangling despair of those who are trying to save themselves.
And his divinity saw the faces. Some wrinkled. Some weeping. Some hidden behind veils. Some obscured by fear. Some earnest with searching. Some blank with boredom. From the face of Adam to the face of the infant born somewhere in the world as you read these words, he saw them all.
And you can be sure of one thing. Among the voices that found their way into that carpentry shop in Nazareth was your voice. Your silent prayers uttered on tear stained pillows were heard before they were said. Your deepest questions about death and eternity were answered before they were asked. And your direst need, your need for a Savior, was met before you ever sinned.
And not only did he hear you, he saw you. He saw your face aglow the hour you first knew him. He saw your face in shame the hour you first fell. The same face that looked back at you from this mornings mirror, looked at him. And it was enough to kill him.
He left because of you.
He laid his security down with his hammer. He hung tranquility on the peg with his nail apron. He closed the window shutters on the sunshine of his youth and locked the door on the comfort and ease of anonymity. 
Since he could bear your sins more easily than he could bear the thought of your hopelessness, he chose to leave. 
It wasn't easy. But it was love."
-Max Lucado


I have always loved Max Lucado, but recently I have become obsessed with reading everything this man has ever written. It would be super dope to have this guy for like a grandpa or something.  

Sunday, January 3, 2010

that was so last decade.

I feel like it was just yesterday that we said goodbye to the 90's and stepped into the world of ugg boots and ipods. To think its already been a decade... that we have been living in the new millennium for 10 years now, its crazy... and it makes me feel really old. But at the same time I feel like this decade has dragged on and on and im ready for a fresh new decade. Sure old decade I am thankful for all that you have done for me... but im ready to move on.

So heres to 2010... im excited for you.


that is all.