Wednesday, August 4, 2010

where i should be.

I dont know how to live in the present. I hate that. My mind is constantly thinking of next week, month, year. I dont know how to be happy with where im at either. If it were my dream to live in Greece I would get there and day dream about living in Paris. So dumb of me. Ive never felt like where I am is where I am supposed to be.

Its like that scene in Garden state where he says "Its like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist."

Or that scene in Breakfast at Tiffanys where she says "I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I don't know where that is but I know what its like." thats me. I get that. I have felt it in my heart, I know this place exists but I have no idea where it is. Maybe its not a place. Maybe its people im looking for, a person, maybe its my husband, maybe its heaven. Maybe its the person I was meant to be and the more I grow, the more I become that person that God has made me and less of that person the world has made me, the more I feel that feeling of home and contentment. All I know is it makes being happy with where I am at tremendously hard.

Tonight something clicked in me and Jesus told me "right now, where you are, this is where you are supposed to be." Every single thing in my life, where I am living, where I am going to school, where I am leading YoungLife, every single detail of my life is exactly how God wants it right now.

I always ask God to write my life story instead of me since I suck at it so much, but ive always held on to it so tightly and not really gave him room to do so. In order for him to do that I need to let go. I think my first step is complacency with where I am at. Complacency is a weird thing though. I want to be happy with where I am at but I dont ever want to get comfortable with it. He doesnt call us to be comfortable. One of those weird paradox's ive yet to figure out.

Point is I am where I should be. I feel it. Maybe that will look different next year or in five years who knows.

3 comments:

  1. totally get you on this girl. both movie lines written in my diary. fyi, home isnt my husband either. hes a pretty good perk to the homesickness, but i think the feeling might just be a blessed little reminder that we arent home yet. just in case we get too comfortable. its hard though, like i wont even paint my kitchen because this doesnt "feel like home." and thinking back, nothing ever has. so weird.

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  2. Tell me why we go through pretty much the same things in our lives, at pretty much the exact same time. I'm so excited to be living so close to you!!!! :)

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  3. this is how i dealt with a version of these feelings...maybe you can relate:

    http://katelynlover.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-dont-want-to-make-you-small.html

    love you forever-friend. :)

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