Monday, January 31, 2011

i am under the rock thats higher than me.


Today I am aware and intentional. Today I am seeing past the things that usually distract me. Today I have chosen to die to myself and give myself to the Lord. Today I am seeing God in places and things that any other day I would overlook. Today my joy goes way beyond happiness and good feelings. Today I feel alive. Oh, today. Why can't today be everyday? Why do I so easily get distracted, live selfishly, overlook the good?

I woke up this morning so mad. Three hours of sleep thanks to homework and restlessness and the invention of facebook was so not the business and I just wanted to stay there in my warm flannel sheets and sleep the day away. I thought about the day I had and tried to figure when the next time would be that I could sleep or what I could scratch off my to do list so that I can take a nap. My conclusion: today sucks. As I opened the door of my apartment to go to class I felt a gust of cold air, saw the cloudy sky, stepped on the water covered sidewalk, and smelt that beautiful smell of rain in the city..... ok, so... I guess today isnt so bad.... I mean, its rainy, I have coffee, and I didnt even brush my hair this morning and it actually looks decent.

It is so funny how up and down my feelings are. I cannot depend on them nor should I. If I were to just wake up and choose to die to myself, to give the day to God, I would have started my morning with such an inexplicable joy that it wouldnt have mattered if it were beautiful and gloomy when I opened that door or if it were 120 degrees.

I have a class that is such a blessing. I overlook that so much. I overlook that because I "have" to go to it. I overlook that because I am there to get a grade, I overlook that because it is early. But the professor is so wise and I want to quote the things he says about life more than I quote Donald Miller. aka a lot. In class I decided that I wasnt going to waste the day. I was going to be intentional with the day the Lord has provided.

I went to chapel a little more positive than I had been 3 hours prior and decided that today was going to be a good day.

We had the privilege of having the Mwamba Uganda childrens choir perform for us. They are the most beautiful humans I have EVER seen. They are ages 7 to 11. Some of them are orphans, the others were born into extremely underprivileged circumstances. They have seen first hand the brokenness of this world. I am a privileged American brat. I have family that loves me, a roof over my head, an expensive education, and way too many material earthly things. Yet they have more joy in their beaming little smiles than I have in my whole being.

watch this...

I mean really though... are they not the most adorable little faces youve ever seen?!?!?! I just want to drop everything and travel with them around the world making sure they are loved and provided for.

Oh and God spoke to me so clearly through the speaker today it shook me up inside. I usually suck at listening but He was yelling so loudly I could not help but hear. She gets to live out her dreams and passions everyday. But they are not even her dreams and passions, theyre Gods. I want her life. I dream too small. I dont even realize what I truly want and what God truly wants for me because I have somewhere deep down decided that it is too big of a dream to become a reality. I want to step out of the boat and slowly take one step at a time as my knees wobble underneath me. I want to keep walking toward Jesus as I push away the fears of failure and disappointment. I can do this. I can live the life He called me to live. I got this.....

Now its time for me to go hang out with high school kids.... Monday nights are so good to me.

"You are everything to me.
My soul rejoices in you.
Your goodness, mercy, and joy overwhelms,
I'm in love with you."

1 comment:

  1. So I'm cheesy and I listen to KLove on occasion, and the radio people were talking about one word for the new year. If you can describe your year in one word what would it be? I pick "positive." No more neagtive nancy for me! I spend WAAAAY too much time complaining about dumb things and need to spend more time doing what GOD has called me to do.
    So anyway, this really spoke to me Rikki. I love you!